Lenny and The Mystery Machine

A group of friends and I were at a local bar (The Highlander) waiting on a pool table. We let the couple playing know that we were next in line and they said they'd make sure we got the table next. As soon as they finished, some random guy who looked like he fell out of the Mystery Machine tried to pull a line cut. We approached the guy, and I guess he was so fucked up, he didn’t put up much of a fight. After we started our first game, he decided to make himself a permanent fixture next to our table by flirting with one of my friends. His pick up technique made absolutely no sense. It included introducing himself as "Lenny", showing off his knuckle scars and claiming he had punched a fence. He also claimed that my friend “looked like an artist”. Right on buddy, 'Cuz every girl loves those pick up lines.

After a few games, he decided that when he got the table he wanted to play our group (which included 5 people). I don’t know what he was drinking (or smoking, or snorting) but that kind of confidence is very rare from someone whose out on the town get up included a navy bootleg Member’s Only jacket and flip flops (which I was able to receive a confirmation from the asshole himself that his jacket was not Member’s Only, but straight up surf, whatever that means). As sad as this guy looked, we pity played a 5 on 1 game. After a few of his ridiculous pool shots, which consisted of a shot and allowing his arms to glade off into some universe not seen by the naked eye, we knew we had this game in the bag. After getting his ass kicked, our challenger excused himself to play his battle song on the jukebox. He chose possibly the worst Kiss song ever made, “Shout It Out Loud”. On the way back to the table, he somehow managed to offend more of the bar patrons. I was personally offended when he challenged us to yet another game. This time he wanted to play the two girls in the group who were the best which included me and my date.

He lost again, which probably comes as a big surprise to you considering Kiss was playing on the jukebox. At this point, dude was pissed. You’d think he had lost his man card or something when he began to talk scrambled shit and shoot cross eyed dirty looks at us.

All the sudden in an interesting turn of events, security was escorting him out. Bye Lenny! Apparently, this guy and his friend (who I’m upset to this day I wasn’t able to meet) had pissed off too many of the regulars and were no longer welcome in this fine establishment. Well shit, there goes my entertainment for the evening. Its ok though, I’m pretty sure Shaggy and Scooby needed him more.

Buckwheat

It started as a simple night out. An old roommate and I were meeting a few friends out for drinks for one of our popular girl’s nights.

We met up at a local bar, had dinner and a few drinks. After chatting about the woes of being in our early 20s and employed, we decided on calling it an early night.


On the walk back to the car, a group of guys came up and started chatting with us. Apparently one of them was pledging a fraternity and needed to complete some sort of wacky scavenger hunt. Worried, we asked how we could help. He replied that he needed a picture with a few random attractive chicks. Out of the three attractive chicks available, two of us said sure, and the smart one (being my old roommate) volunteered to take the picture. We smiled, said cheese and thought all was well.


Apparently, to my picture taking friend's delight, this soon to be frat boy dropped his pants. After he was on his way, she decided to share that bit of information with us, while laughing uncontrollably. I thought it was funny, but when she continued laughing, I couldn't understand why. She informed us of the rest of the story. It seemed that this nice gentleman had what you would call a “buckwheat”, in his pants. If you don't know what a buckwheat is, I suggest you visit www.urbandictionary.com


Now that we are all on the same page all I have to say is Great! So now there's a picture of me with Buckwheat floating around on the Internet. SMH.... 

Multiple Dodges

A few months back, a girl whom I now call one of my closest friends came into town and we decided to meet for the first time.  I had been talking to her for about a month on a regular basis and we were finally going to meet for the first time.  She was going to go out to a bar with a few of her friends, so she invited me to join them so our meeting could be casual.  I accepted the invite not knowing how epic it was going to be. 

So we meet up at her friend L’s apartment for a few beers.  The plan for the night was to go to Blake’s, which I couldn’t pass up because I love that bar.  I immediately hit it off with her friend A and he rides with me to Blake’s while C (my “date”) and L ride separately.  As soon as we park in a neighbor hood around the corner from the bar and get out, pretty much everyone has to pee. Then and there all four of us bonded with a group squat behind random vehicles parked on the side of the road. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

As soon as we get in line, A sees a guy he knows and they start chatting. In the mean time, the guy’s significant other is throwing us all death stares, that could only be described as the expressions on the faces of the rappers in this video: http://youtu.be/tT3htTWBogU

We enter the bar and A is in full party mode, he’s buying shots and beers left and right and that’s when the chase starts. I really think this guy knew half the people in the bar! After taking a shot, myself and C get a beer and sit down. L is running interference on A because I believe that beer goggles have started to take effect at this point. A friendly and creepy gentleman (with bad breath) sits down next to C and starts chatting away in a thick French accent. She somehow discovers that this guy can speak Spanish, then proceeds to ask him if he can continue his jabber in Spanish because she can understand him better.  Awesome. The guy rewards C’s request by grabbing her boob and I swoop in to tell him he’s violated my girlfriend and we don’t appreciate it.

We get up and go join A and L only to be gifted with more beers as we chase A out the side door to the patio.  At this point A is flirting with any and everyone, and we are just trying to keep him from making a regretful decision, specifically with a being who looks like a wildebeest and has taken a liking to A.  At this point I’m scared to intercept on that one, because this guy is seriously scary. Somehow we devise a plan to get A away from this creature and all is good for a minute.

Remember that guy from earlier with the death stares? Well he reenters the picture.  I don’t think his mother warned him that his ugly facial expressions would stick, because he was still making them.  Well, this time he was coming back for vengeance and we were not going to be there for this sword fight. It was time to call it a night.

What I learned from this evening is that a group pee can instantly bond you with new people, some folks understand a foreign language better than their native and the “Ratchet Girl” facial expression is never cute. Also, friends don’t let friends get too cozy with a wildebeest….

The Prize Wheel

Currently being unemployed, I was fortunate enough to work the 2012 SEC Fanfare, as a Brand Ambassador (or Professional Flirt, as I like to joke) for a travel company. Other than the typical cluster fuck of a southern college sporting event and the boozed up creepy old guys, I must say it was a pretty enjoyable experience. I also was able to pick up some nice blogging material as well.

So a typical promo for a sporting event consists of collecting client data, numerous games and operating the prize wheel. After spending most of the day begging drunks and children for data, I decided to go monitor the prize wheel. I was having a blast interacting with the fans and really talking up the various prizes which consisted of a pair of cheap (but amazing sunglasses), a bottle cap opener and the most coveted prize of all- a koozie. Most of the men and children wanted the koozie for their post fan fare beers and apple juice, so I interacted by asking them if that’s what they were spinning for.

All of the sudden, a male stepped up and wanting to change my routine I said "take a spin, there’s a prize on here for everyone". He responded to my humor by saying "Is there a date with you on there?” To my shock the words: “Ugh no, that prize is not in the wheel, but you can have a koozie” came out of my mouth.  Poor guy took the koozie and walked off; I think his team lost that day too…

Plenty of Freaks

Being new to the lesbian scene and not knowing how to go about meeting girls. I signed up for an account on a popular dating site: Plenty of Fish. After the first few days of having this account, I was getting a fair amount of flirts and emails.  One girl in particular caught my eye and I was guessing I caught hers as well because she emailed me.We chatted online for a few days and I figured she was normal so we decided to exchange numbers. That was when all hell broke loose!

It started off as a simple texting conversation. We asked each other questions about life, hobbies, likes and dislikes.  I actually enjoyed texting this girl for the first few days (even though she was coming off as a little insecure).

Then she asked me out on a date for the following weekend. I politely agreed but I just didn’t know exactly what I agreed to.  She mentioned something along the lines of going dancing and I thought that sounded cool. 

The next few days if chatting, I get to know her a bit too well. She starts going a little psycho and she starts shifting the conversation to sex. Since I didn't have any experience in that department, I wasn't sure how to respond. In her creative attempt to get me worked up, she begins to send me porn videos. I was a bit weirded out, but for my own amusement I just went with it. Bad call on my part, because all of the sudden she has a great idea that our date should now involve meeting in a hotel room before we go out for a little fun. WTF? Am I now some cheap slut for her to have her schoolgirl fantasies with? I told her that was not going to happen. She says "but that's how all my relationships start." Great, so you're telling me you are a whore with an STD. Then and there, I shut that shit down. 

The cherry on top of this weird ass Dodged Connection was that she didn't want me talking to any other girls (even though we had yet to meet), she continued to text/message harass me for about two weeks after I started ignoring her and she wanted me to pay for the hotel room. Plenty of Fish huh? How bout Plenty of Freaks....

Do you still live in your parent's basement too?

Early on in my attempt at online dating I established a profile on match.com. I was surprised to see that there was quite a buffet of attractiveness and I couldn't wait to try out the sampler platter.

A good looking blonde haired, blue eyed guy started emailing me and we chatted for what seemed like a few weeks. He wanted to do something low key (as did I being new to the online dating thing), so we scheduled a happy hour/trivia date at the local Fado Irish Pub.

Drinks and chatting turned out to be pleasant. The trivia part of the date, well not so much. He actually sucked at trivia and I do believe that my mother's Chihuahua, Melvin could have done a better job at such shitty guessing. I would have totally stopped at that and filed this date in the "I'll give you another try, maybe trivia is just not your thing file", but his response to the check coming just closed his casket with me.

Yes, I know what you're all thinking. But I am a lady and when I am asked out on a date (a cheap one at that) I expect the other person to treat. Instead of pulling the whole, I'll be right back and ditching this guy, I coughed up my half of the bill, which was a whopping 11.00. Then my fantasy date proceeded to ask me if I'd like to come back to his place and play PS3. Really?

As intriguing as this offer was and as much as I wanted to work on my Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust skills, I politely declined. Talk about a dodged connection and a wonderful welcome to the online dating world! Did he live with his parents too?

At first I thought you ruined my birthday… – w4w – 29 (East Atlanta (Mary’s/MSR) )

To the girl who wore Christmas lights out last Saturday, December 15th : You my dear were a Christmas nightmare. Not only because you wore those lights, but because it was my birthday celebration and I saw you that night. You also had an elf with you.

I was out, just celebrating my Dirty 30 with my friends like any sexy single gal would do and you happened to be at Mary’s. One of my friends pointed you out to me and I knew at that moment, the result of my evening was on a different playing field. I decided to partake in some karaoke, but you were called first. Let me just say that I’ve never heard ” Total Eclipse of the Heart ” bludgeoned to death quite like that. Then and there, I got looks of disapproval from all of my friends.

After my trio of songs (which you so nicely had to dance directly in front of me during each, then precede to request permission to be a “back up dancer”) I decided it was time to move on to the next bar away from your drunken shit show.

But no, I was wrong. I turned around at the next bar after ordering my drink and there you were, looking fresh out of an ugly Christmas sweater party gone wrong. I vocalized my distaste, but you kept saying I was being mean. Then to my surprise you molested me, make out style. After the face rape, you turned and left and I thought for sure that was it.

I saw you a little later passed with your face planted on nasty bar table. Being the mean person I am, I poked you on your shoulders like the dead body you appeared to be, with the attempt to wake you up so you wouldn’t get kicked out. Then your elf intercepted and I walked away chuckling.

You claimed that you always wanted someone to write a “missed connection” about you. Well this ain’t it baby. This is a dodged connection. After that ridiculous display of douchery I now believe that I dodged a bullet with you.

PS: Good luck with your elf!