Lenny and The Mystery Machine

A group of friends and I were at a local bar (The Highlander) waiting on a pool table. We let the couple playing know that we were next in line and they said they'd make sure we got the table next. As soon as they finished, some random guy who looked like he fell out of the Mystery Machine tried to pull a line cut. We approached the guy, and I guess he was so fucked up, he didn’t put up much of a fight. After we started our first game, he decided to make himself a permanent fixture next to our table by flirting with one of my friends. His pick up technique made absolutely no sense. It included introducing himself as "Lenny", showing off his knuckle scars and claiming he had punched a fence. He also claimed that my friend “looked like an artist”. Right on buddy, 'Cuz every girl loves those pick up lines.

After a few games, he decided that when he got the table he wanted to play our group (which included 5 people). I don’t know what he was drinking (or smoking, or snorting) but that kind of confidence is very rare from someone whose out on the town get up included a navy bootleg Member’s Only jacket and flip flops (which I was able to receive a confirmation from the asshole himself that his jacket was not Member’s Only, but straight up surf, whatever that means). As sad as this guy looked, we pity played a 5 on 1 game. After a few of his ridiculous pool shots, which consisted of a shot and allowing his arms to glade off into some universe not seen by the naked eye, we knew we had this game in the bag. After getting his ass kicked, our challenger excused himself to play his battle song on the jukebox. He chose possibly the worst Kiss song ever made, “Shout It Out Loud”. On the way back to the table, he somehow managed to offend more of the bar patrons. I was personally offended when he challenged us to yet another game. This time he wanted to play the two girls in the group who were the best which included me and my date.

He lost again, which probably comes as a big surprise to you considering Kiss was playing on the jukebox. At this point, dude was pissed. You’d think he had lost his man card or something when he began to talk scrambled shit and shoot cross eyed dirty looks at us.

All the sudden in an interesting turn of events, security was escorting him out. Bye Lenny! Apparently, this guy and his friend (who I’m upset to this day I wasn’t able to meet) had pissed off too many of the regulars and were no longer welcome in this fine establishment. Well shit, there goes my entertainment for the evening. Its ok though, I’m pretty sure Shaggy and Scooby needed him more.

Buckwheat

It started as a simple night out. An old roommate and I were meeting a few friends out for drinks for one of our popular girl’s nights.

We met up at a local bar, had dinner and a few drinks. After chatting about the woes of being in our early 20s and employed, we decided on calling it an early night.


On the walk back to the car, a group of guys came up and started chatting with us. Apparently one of them was pledging a fraternity and needed to complete some sort of wacky scavenger hunt. Worried, we asked how we could help. He replied that he needed a picture with a few random attractive chicks. Out of the three attractive chicks available, two of us said sure, and the smart one (being my old roommate) volunteered to take the picture. We smiled, said cheese and thought all was well.


Apparently, to my picture taking friend's delight, this soon to be frat boy dropped his pants. After he was on his way, she decided to share that bit of information with us, while laughing uncontrollably. I thought it was funny, but when she continued laughing, I couldn't understand why. She informed us of the rest of the story. It seemed that this nice gentleman had what you would call a “buckwheat”, in his pants. If you don't know what a buckwheat is, I suggest you visit www.urbandictionary.com


Now that we are all on the same page all I have to say is Great! So now there's a picture of me with Buckwheat floating around on the Internet. SMH.... 

Multiple Dodges

A few months back, a girl whom I now call one of my closest friends came into town and we decided to meet for the first time.  I had been talking to her for about a month on a regular basis and we were finally going to meet for the first time.  She was going to go out to a bar with a few of her friends, so she invited me to join them so our meeting could be casual.  I accepted the invite not knowing how epic it was going to be. 

So we meet up at her friend L’s apartment for a few beers.  The plan for the night was to go to Blake’s, which I couldn’t pass up because I love that bar.  I immediately hit it off with her friend A and he rides with me to Blake’s while C (my “date”) and L ride separately.  As soon as we park in a neighbor hood around the corner from the bar and get out, pretty much everyone has to pee. Then and there all four of us bonded with a group squat behind random vehicles parked on the side of the road. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

As soon as we get in line, A sees a guy he knows and they start chatting. In the mean time, the guy’s significant other is throwing us all death stares, that could only be described as the expressions on the faces of the rappers in this video: http://youtu.be/tT3htTWBogU

We enter the bar and A is in full party mode, he’s buying shots and beers left and right and that’s when the chase starts. I really think this guy knew half the people in the bar! After taking a shot, myself and C get a beer and sit down. L is running interference on A because I believe that beer goggles have started to take effect at this point. A friendly and creepy gentleman (with bad breath) sits down next to C and starts chatting away in a thick French accent. She somehow discovers that this guy can speak Spanish, then proceeds to ask him if he can continue his jabber in Spanish because she can understand him better.  Awesome. The guy rewards C’s request by grabbing her boob and I swoop in to tell him he’s violated my girlfriend and we don’t appreciate it.

We get up and go join A and L only to be gifted with more beers as we chase A out the side door to the patio.  At this point A is flirting with any and everyone, and we are just trying to keep him from making a regretful decision, specifically with a being who looks like a wildebeest and has taken a liking to A.  At this point I’m scared to intercept on that one, because this guy is seriously scary. Somehow we devise a plan to get A away from this creature and all is good for a minute.

Remember that guy from earlier with the death stares? Well he reenters the picture.  I don’t think his mother warned him that his ugly facial expressions would stick, because he was still making them.  Well, this time he was coming back for vengeance and we were not going to be there for this sword fight. It was time to call it a night.

What I learned from this evening is that a group pee can instantly bond you with new people, some folks understand a foreign language better than their native and the “Ratchet Girl” facial expression is never cute. Also, friends don’t let friends get too cozy with a wildebeest….

The Prize Wheel

Currently being unemployed, I was fortunate enough to work the 2012 SEC Fanfare, as a Brand Ambassador (or Professional Flirt, as I like to joke) for a travel company. Other than the typical cluster fuck of a southern college sporting event and the boozed up creepy old guys, I must say it was a pretty enjoyable experience. I also was able to pick up some nice blogging material as well.

So a typical promo for a sporting event consists of collecting client data, numerous games and operating the prize wheel. After spending most of the day begging drunks and children for data, I decided to go monitor the prize wheel. I was having a blast interacting with the fans and really talking up the various prizes which consisted of a pair of cheap (but amazing sunglasses), a bottle cap opener and the most coveted prize of all- a koozie. Most of the men and children wanted the koozie for their post fan fare beers and apple juice, so I interacted by asking them if that’s what they were spinning for.

All of the sudden, a male stepped up and wanting to change my routine I said "take a spin, there’s a prize on here for everyone". He responded to my humor by saying "Is there a date with you on there?” To my shock the words: “Ugh no, that prize is not in the wheel, but you can have a koozie” came out of my mouth.  Poor guy took the koozie and walked off; I think his team lost that day too…