To the girl who wore Christmas lights out last Saturday, December 15th : You my dear were a Christmas nightmare. Not only because you wore those lights, but because it was my birthday celebration and I saw you that night. You also had an elf with you.
I was out, just celebrating my Dirty 30 with my friends like any sexy single gal would do and you happened to be at Mary’s. One of my friends pointed you out to me and I knew at that moment, the result of my evening was on a different playing field. I decided to partake in some karaoke, but you were called first. Let me just say that I’ve never heard ” Total Eclipse of the Heart ” bludgeoned to death quite like that. Then and there, I got looks of disapproval from all of my friends.
After my trio of songs (which you so nicely had to dance directly in front of me during each, then precede to request permission to be a “back up dancer”) I decided it was time to move on to the next bar away from your drunken shit show.
But no, I was wrong. I turned around at the next bar after ordering my drink and there you were, looking fresh out of an ugly Christmas sweater party gone wrong. I vocalized my distaste, but you kept saying I was being mean. Then to my surprise you molested me, make out style. After the face rape, you turned and left and I thought for sure that was it.
I saw you a little later passed with your face planted on nasty bar table. Being the mean person I am, I poked you on your shoulders like the dead body you appeared to be, with the attempt to wake you up so you wouldn’t get kicked out. Then your elf intercepted and I walked away chuckling.
You claimed that you always wanted someone to write a “missed connection” about you. Well this ain’t it baby. This is a dodged connection. After that ridiculous display of douchery I now believe that I dodged a bullet with you.
PS: Good luck with your elf!
